You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.