I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online