Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Would you wear it?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
won’t smith
subtitles are so good nowadays
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”