I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else