My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Don’t talk down to me
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.