LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Smile Twitter, Smile.
and now we wait
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Realize this: