Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I have never related to anyone more.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
the council will decide your fate
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.