I…do not understand how electricity works.
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!