The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
no such thing as a dumb question
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Spring cleaning checklist…