Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
“Wait, let me explain..”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.