me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
That took me a moment.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.