You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You Might Also Like
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.