how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
You Might Also Like
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
A classic…
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village