Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Mad Max: Furry Road
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.