{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.