Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
thinking about a very short hotdog
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.