“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.