Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Thursday Thought.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
🤣🤣🤣
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN