I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.