Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
just gave your address to some spiders
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
umm…
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.