Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’