Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.