A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
the composer
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him