me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Every photo I’m tagged in
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.