Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.