(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.