on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The Compass
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.