I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.