Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
You Might Also Like
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.