thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle