I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome