Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.