You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.