[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.