I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
the battle rages on
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.