Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER