‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You Might Also Like
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking