OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
where the womens at?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]