What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline