Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh