do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.