Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”