People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.