[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
anyone else like Italian cereal
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.