Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What