8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive