The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
You Might Also Like
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
this article brought to you by lions
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
They’re really bad with fonts.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.