Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.