Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit