best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
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I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.